For a stretch of days that could only be described as remarkably uneventful in the best possible way, the Hamptons Subway system has reported a week of seamless operations, exceptional employee attendance, and incident-free service. According to Commissioner Bill Aspinall, “All seems to be well on the subway system. This is not normal.”
Punctuality on the Rails
For the first time in three years, every train in the Hamptons Subway system departed the Montauk yard precisely on time and stopped at all 14 stations exactly according to the schedule, arriving every 12 minutes without delay. This consistent performance was attributed to the system’s dedicated motormen. “Kudos to all the motormen,” a system-wide announcement noted, recognizing their role in maintaining this rare punctuality.
Escalators and Employees in Peak Form
Adding to the week’s streak of success, none of the 28 escalators in the subway system required repair, a rare feat considering their age. Built in 1931, the escalators operated flawlessly, a nod to the durability of early American manufacturing.
Employee performance mirrored the machines. All 72 Hamptons Subway employees arrived at work on time and in full health every day. The Subway Pararescue Squad remained idle, with no straphanger incidents reported. Officials credited the favorable weather, suggesting “good weather translated into good health.”
Pushers Fully Recruited for Summer Rush
On Monday, March 31, 31 muscular applicants arrived at the Hampton Bays headquarters to compete for 30 summer part-time subway pusher positions. Pushers are responsible for politely easing passengers into crowded subway cars during peak hours. Only one candidate dropped out after learning about the job’s physical demands—helmet, padded vest, and boxing gloves included—leaving exactly 30 candidates for 30 slots. Training begins next week.
Track Intruder: No Delay Thanks to a Raccoon’s Courtesy
A momentary delay on April 1 between Noyac and the North Sea involved an unusual commuter: a large raccoon. Motorman Fred Friendly encountered the animal on the tracks at 4:13 p.m. but handled the situation with grace. “Friendly slowed and then honked his horn and the raccoon looked up, smiled, and trotted off through a hole in the subway tunnel wall.” With a short burst of turbo speed, the train still arrived on time.
Subway Signage and Suggestion Box Update
Passengers may notice the absence of suggestion boxes on platforms this week. Since none contained any submissions, they have been taken down for refurbishment and repainting. In other changes, new green-and-white signs reading “No Sliding Down The Bannisters” have been installed at all subway entrances. The legal department ordered their installation to reinforce safety and support the system’s green initiative.
Lost and Found: Howdy the Hero Dog
A security incident with a happy ending occurred when Howdy, one of the Montauk yard’s trained German shepherds, escaped through the fence. He returned by morning with a note taped to his collar, claiming he had chased off a wolf threatening a French poodle. The letter was signed, “Howdy’s New Friend, Agnes Alouwiches.” No damage was reported in the yard that night.
System-Wide Fumigation Scheduled
Looking ahead, the subway will close for fumigation on April 9, Wednesday, from midnight to 7 a.m. Pest control teams will treat the tunnels to prepare for the summer insect hatch. Riders are advised to plan accordingly.
A Quiet Office and 21 Birthdays
While the system thrived, Commissioner Aspinall noted the eerie stillness in his office. “I was in my office in our Hampton Bays building from Monday to Friday promptly from 9 to 5 all this past week without having anything to do or having anybody visit me,” he said. A staff meeting was called to investigate the unusual calm.
Meanwhile, 21 employees celebrated birthdays on the same day. Their names are available online for those wishing to offer congratulations.
Despite the absence of celebrities, confirmed by all 17 volunteer spotters, the Hamptons Subway delivered a rare week of smooth sailing. Whether this is the calm before the storm or a new normal remains to be seen.
